In Hindsight

 I thought I was okay but—

[I thought I had tricked myself into thinking I was over you,
Because you belittled my feelings when I was upset,
alienated me from my friends,
and would dismiss my opinions with your own.

But I was still learning how to actually talk about my feelings,
Learning what I actually wanted from life,
And would constantly push myself away from everyone in the real world when my blue feelings would take hold.

I started to realize this but I didn’t know how to fix it until more recently,
But time had started to fall away from me,
I was burnt out and wore myself thin.
I would say to myself that I would make plans with you on Friday,
But then suddenly it would be the following Tuesday.

My friends would have been pissed about that,
Not for anything I said to them,
But for your behavior before the breakup,
Constantly calling and texting me while I was with them,
Even though you knew I was with them.

But you were better about that once we were in that grey area after the breakup,
I’ll admit that.
You tried, but I needed time.
And I never really expected you to wait—
But I guess I kind of did.

I mean I had a feeling.
The last few times we hung out you didn’t look at me the same,
and back before the move someone called you while you were sleeping,
And now that I think back, I think it may have been her name.

I’ve never been very good about talking about feelings and making it clear what I want
Unless its in a poem,
So I guess that’s why I’m writing this
I am utterly, stupidly heartbroken,
And I can’t stop crying,
Because I mean, come on, I should be over you.

I shouldn’t be thinking about the plans I had made in my head,
that I didn’t even realize I had made up until now.
That maybe we could try the 31 questions to help heal what was broken,
Maybe we could visit a new city together after all of this was over,
Maybe you would like those restaurants I saved on Yelp.

Like an idiot I was planning for us,
But never clued you in.
Even the last time you came over,
It felt wrong not to be cuddling with you,
But I felt gross and fat and exhausted,
And you had just gotten more handsome.

Our phone calls while I was working from home got me through most of quarantine,
And when they suddenly stopped I was so disappointed,
But when I tried to tell you, you seemed to think I was the one that had stopped talking,
I guess it didn't matter because even when I didn't really tell you the important things.

You did what any sane person would do in that situation and moved on,
And I am the only one to blame for not being more vocal about how I felt.
I thought I was growing and learning more this year—but I guess that’s just the lie we tell ourselves sometimes.

I mean I tried to do the smart thing and move on,
But I was specifically looking for someone that didn’t remind me of you in any way,
So how was that ever going to work?
I mean you’d think that would be a giant neon clue into my feelings…
but hindsight.]

—in hindsight I was a fool.